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1/03/12 [3603]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a drunk guy from British Columbia. (He calls it a reenactment.) He takes a few moments to adjust his clothing, touch up his hair and prepare himself mentally to portray himself. Bruce, have you done any after-Christmas shopping yet? We're gonna reveal some secret spots for deals so good, they should be called steals." (Bruce): "Uh oh. " (Linda, laughing): "Maybe." (Bruce): "And I will visit the sanitation department facility that recycles Christmas trees. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Already Having a Bad Year / #6: You're Joy Philbin. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dan Naturman does stand-up. ••• Dave previewed Blind Spot for the next segment. Tony Mendez apparently had their name wrong on the cue card. Here's the exchange: (Paul): "There's a guy behind you, standing over your left shoulder." (Dave): "Hi. / "Rick Santorum: Tellin' It Like It Is" / video: ••• Mitt Romney singing at the Westminster Kennel Club the other night. Mc Intee voice-over: "UNCONFIRMED", Genevieve Morton, Izabel Goulart, Jessica Perez, Kate Upton and Irina Shayk ••• outside cam: We see the covered billboard of the 2012 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover, high above Broadway, near 53rd St. Nancy Agostini says, "The girls aren't ready." / We go to the green room, where the girls are waiting. ••• Act 5: live shot of Kate Upton outside, below her billboard ••• Michael Weatherly plugs NCIS. ••• interruption: Kathy Mavrikakis delivers Dave's "go bag," in case of an emergency. A lady was seen with a handful of Late Show pencils later in the telecast. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid Mc Ginnis again.] ••• [Andy Snitzer is in for Bruce Kapler.] ••• Dave has an impression of himself on his weekend. (Dave had a big funny: Jack said, "Don't go runnin' from me," and Dave said, "You don't have to outrun the cat. Instead of the usual three-pointed red hat, he gets an awesome sombrero from Pope Benedict XVI. " (I know how to spell wrestle, but that's not what George said.) (clip): The two gentlemen go at it. " (Alan Kalter voice-over): "This generally yields nothing useable. Nothing, that's what, and away we go with kitty, kitty, kitty calls on the PA. You won't see Dave hosing people down with substandard imported uranium. Just less than a minute later, Dave stands and drops his pants, too. "Uhhh, one senior for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, please." (title graphic) (before and after photos) (voice-over): "In an 1860 photograph of Abraham Lincoln, Lincoln's head was placed on politician John Calhoun's body. He turns to face his audience, and in his best dumb guy voice delivers the line, "Uhhh... Without a doubt, it's the biggest pile of mulch I've ever seen! / video: the same clip ••• video: monkeys riding dogs ••• "Breeds Not Favored to Win the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show" / video: (title graphic) (voice-over): "The Centipug." (Photoshop fun): It's the ultimate wiener dog, with at least eight pairs of legs. " (Adele): "I've got a little heartburn from that calzone I had the other night." (Dave): "Yeah. It's none of my business, but on the phone here, you sound a little raspy." (Adele): "Well, I hit the booze pretty hard last night, too." (Dave): "Well, now, Adele, should you be drinking? Dave calls for the girls who weren't selected to tear up the room. It's a plastic bag with a styrofoam cup, a plastic spoon and a piece of hard candy. ••• [Jeremy Lin of Harvard has been made the starting point guard for the Knicks. Toronto.] ••• "New York Knicks Simulated Highlight" / It's animated stick men basketball players! And once again, I'm terribly sorry." (not Hogan): "Oh... " (Dave): "She's not gonna be on, Al." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Andrew Lincoln plugs The Walking Dead. He claimed he's from Kansas, but England would be closer to the truth. A female accompanies him by banging some kind of kitchen tool on a box. He goes through the usual preparations as he turns away and gets into character, then gives us, "One senior for Ghost Rider, please." ••• audience shout out: A guy in the audience is not telling the truth about where he's from. I'm allergic to mayonnaise." (voice-over): "Mitt Romney's hair is attached every morning in his secret grooming chamber." (animation): We hear John Williams' Star Wars music. ••• "Michael Moore Telling Life Like It Is" / video: (title graphic) (voice-over): "From 1980 to 1984, Mitt Romney played wealthy tycoon Victor Newman on The Young and the Restless." (Photoshop fun): Mitt with Eric Braeden's character's big mustache (unintelligible clip, that wasn't the joke, anyway) (voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' " (title graphic) (title graphic) (clip of video editing in progress) (voice-over): "Late Show editor Dan Baggio spends 10 hours a day watching footage of the GOP candidates for the 'Get to Know the Candidates' segment." (Daniel Baggio): "I hate my life." (voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Guy Behind Get to Know the Candidates.' " (title graphic) (title graphic) (clips of staffers as amused home viewers, including Kathy Mavrikakis and Chris Dimino) (Alan Kalter voice-over): "The Top Ten List: A familiar part of the Late Show for many years. " (Joe Grossman, at his desk, then headed to the mechanical room downstairs) (Alan Kalter voice-over): "First thing in the morning, the writers get the assignment to work on Top Ten topics. (Alan Kalter voice-over): "Next, the writers brainstorm possible jokes." (clip): retirement-age people at work in a conference room (man): "How about something with President Truman? Now, the real work begins." (Joe, at noon, in his office, looking at Howie Mandel's tweets) (Alan Kalter voice-over): "Some jokes are stolen from people on Twitter." (clip of a man in Thiruvananthapuram, India, 1 P. " (Alan, now to the home viewers): "And with me, you won't pay Chinatown prices! This is finally a chance for those fascinated with his gray socks to see that they go to just under his knees. In a 1942 photograph of Benito Mussolini, Mussolini's horse handler was removed. one senior for We Bought a Zoo, please." ••• It's the first telecast of 2011, and time for Dave's new year's resolutions. (voice-over): "And now, back to television host David Letterman." (title graphic) Genius should be outlawed in this country. Yesterday she tweeted to people watching the Grammys that if they were a Nielsen family, they should switch over to the Oprah Winfrey Network. I know you're probably celebrating, but is that the kind of thing you should be doing... ••• Mitt Romney singing clip ••• There was a segment last night, "Road to 2012," with GOP candidates' play-on music. I mean, Rio Bravo is on AMC, and I don't wanna miss the part where Stumpy goes nuts with the dynamite." (Dave): "Right. When questioned he answered, "Indymontana." ••• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been stirring up all kinds of trouble playing around with nuclear weapons. A smiling, bald Governor Romney is seated, as a device lowers his hair into place. Because Dave is very busy, the topic is selected by the building engineer, George Clarke." (clip of Joe consulting with George, who's eating in the mechanical room, with rats everywhere) (George, with his mouth full): "Ha ha ha ha ha ha. M.) (Alan Kalter voice-over): "Other jokes are purchased from underpaid comedy writers in India." (clip): Joe, at 3 P. (Alan Kalter voice-over): "Three o'clock: Time for Dave to review the jokes." (clip): Joe, with Dave's kitty (Alan Kalter voice-over): "If Dave's unavailable, Dave's kitty makes the cuts." (clip): We see the kitty's paw, scratching through everything. (Alan Kalter voice-over): "The props guy, holding the fake cat paw, makes more cuts." (clip): Joe releases a little kangaroo. (Alan Kalter voice-over): "The staff's kangaroo is dispatched to run jokes back and forth between the writers and Dave." (clip): Joe, in the Ed Sullivan Theater lobby (Alan Kalter voice-over): "Half an hour 'til the show, and the writers need more jokes. (clip): Dave, in the familiar pose, holds up a blue card with his right hand. It's an even-more-titanic sea bass, and it eats the famous ship in one gulp. Mike probably earned enough for this voice-over to pay for the $300 fleecing he got the other day, trying to get duplicate keys made for the car he got for Danielle and Dominique. After girding his loins, Dave says, "No, I was scared people might see my junk! " (Dave, to the audience): "She's from human resources." (Dave, to Kathy): "What are you doing out here now? " (Kathy, after a pause): "Think about it." (Dave): "OK. And, in 1940, photographers airbrushed out Hitler's parrot, Heinrich. He claims he normally doesn't do this, but he did so one year ago today. (Adele will be played by security chief Bill De Lace.) (Adele): "Y'ello." (Dave): "Hello, Adele? Tonight we see Newt Gingrich's again, "Baby Bumble Bee." ••• "Get to Know the Candidates" / Tonight: Ron Paul / video: (title graphic and music) (voice-over): "Before he entered politics, Ron Paul appeared in over 50 Westerns." (clip of Gabby Hayes in an old Western): "This is an outrage... " (voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' " (title graphic) On Monday we saw the Kate Upton Sports Illustrated cover billboard unveiled. Let's put it that way." (not Hogan): "Put it that way. (clip): We see the rascal meeting with a group of scientists on PRESS TV. President, after months of work, behold the latest advancement in Iranian technology." (clip, continued): A white object is uncovered by the scientists, all in white lab coats. It's the same contraption that put on Darth Vader's black helmet. Luckily the prisoners bussed in to fill out the audience usually have some zingers." (clip): A prisoner in a bright orange jumpsuit takes a shank to Joe's abdomen, near his spleen. (Alan Kalter voice-over): "Showtime, and it's another classic Top Ten! I will." A bit later in the monologue, Dave will intentionally set off the Life Alert® to report that he's dying. Sit back and enjoy the flight." (title graphic) ••• There's a cruise that's recreating the voyage of the Titanic. / video: The Titanic is just a ship's length from a big, white iceberg. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, then, (Alan): "And now, my impression of Late Show staffer Mike Mc Intee." (Mike Mc Intee as Alan as Mike): "Hey, everybody, it's me, Mike Mc Intee." (Alan): "Ha ha! ••• desk chat: It's almost April 15, and Dave has a bit of a rant about tax forms. " (Todd Seda, and one of the male staffers in drag are beside Alan.) (Alan): "Come on. " Good thing this incident didn't occur with Don Rickles, or he would have fired off a rocket! " (Kathy): "I just wanted you to know that the mailroom position is now available." (Dave): "Oh, good. Alright, thanks." (Kathy gets up to leave.) (Dave): "Hey, you didn't see any reproductive activity on that thing, did you? Thanks for watching 'History Rephotographed.' " (title graphic) (Dave): "You know, before we go any farther in tonight's program, let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and what's comin' up this weekend on the Weekend Late Show. Summer officially started this week, and we're ready for summer fun on the Weekend Late Show! We're gonna check out the hot new inflatable pool toys for 2012." (Linda): "There's more hot air around here than usual. Here we go: (title graphic and "Breaking Now" intro music) (KGO ABC 7 San Francisco reporter): "Is it easy to coax a monkey into a backpack? On Tuesday we saw Modern Railroad Hobbyist, with Irv Lubis. The cover comes down, and we see video of Graphic Art Director Chris Dimino. (voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' " ••• Back with no popular demand... " (Dave): "..the number one Thing: clams." (Alan Kalter voice-over): "And that's the story of the ••• Top Ten Other Movies About Mitt Romney ••• Alec Baldwin plugs 30 Rock. (title graphic and dramatic music) (slurred voice-over): "This your captain speaking. There's page after page of mysterious documents to sign. Dave shows the New York Daily News cover with a picture of Alec having a bit of a shove with a photographer, under the caption "Brawlwin Goes Berserk! Thanks." (Kathy): "No, I think it would be good for you. it's a good way to start your career, and you get to know what the entertainment business is really like." (Dave): "The mail room? A lot of people started in the mail room: Brian Williams, Mayor Bloomberg, Charo..." (Dave): "Charo was in the mail room? It's just something to consider." (Dave): "You're... you're suggesting that I go to work in the mail room. " (Kathy): "No." (She exits the stage.) ••• desk chat: Dave shows the cover of the New York Daily News, with his pants off. Plus, our Gay Pride series continues with a woman who is a professional Ultimate Frisbee player. optional('ext.bill The Lizard Executor'),require.optional('ext.Engine3.api')],function(ab Test,featured Video Cookie Service,bill The Lizard Executor,ads Api));define('wikia.article Video.featured Video.cookies',['wikia.cookies'],function(cookies));require(['wikia.window','wikia.cookies','wikia.document','wikia.tracker','wikia.tracking Opt In','Test','wikia.article Video.featured Video.data','wikia.article Video.featured Video.autoplay','wikia.article Video.featured Video.cookies',require.optional('ext.Context'),require.optional('ext.Engine.lookup.bidders'),require.optional('ext.hmd Rec Loader'),require.optional('ext.Engine3.api'),require.optional('wikia.article Video.featured Configuration'),],function(win,cookies,doc,tracker,tracking Opt In,ab Test,video Details, featured Video Autoplay,featured Video Cookie Service,ad Context,bidders,hmd Rec Loader,ads Api,featured Video Ads,){if(! wikia JWPlayer=:wikia JWPlayer);define('wikia.article Video.featured Video.autoplay',['Test','wikia.article Video.featured Video.cookies',require. 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